


don't want to be your secret anymore

by atlantisairlock



Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, Person of Interest (TV) RPF
Genre: Comic-Con, Coming Out, Dirty Talk, F/F, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, POV Second Person, Second Chances, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 11:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7100830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/atlantisairlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Upstairs are assholes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't want to be your secret anymore

**Author's Note:**

> prompt by immortalshoot: amy and sarah kind of got off on the wrong foot after s5 (sarah hated the ending bc of what it would do to the fans but amy didn't really understand and there's tension between them because they have feels for each other that were never explained)... flash forward a year and POI is picked up for a shoot spinoff in which they bring back root? so they come back together and figure their stuff out and fluff/smut ensues and everything is good again?
> 
> title from 'boyfriend' by tegan and sara.

Upstairs are assholes. You'd never actually say that to anyone because you'd like to keep your day job, thank you very much, but the fact of the matter is that they _are_. You haven't felt such incredible loathing in a long time, and that's saying a lot. Most of all, you can't  _believe_ it took them this long to finally get around to breaking it to the rest of the cast, which you suppose must be part of the plan. And it pisses you the fuck off. 

You've heard of the Bury Your Gays trope. You've seen it in action and you've heard firsthand from people you love and trust just how insidious it is, what a traumatising effect it can have on people clinging to what little representation they have. You can't even begin to comprehend how, after all the good that this TV show has done for the gay community, they could destroy it all in one single episode. It's horrible and doesn't do Root or Amy any justice - and worst of all, Amy can't seem to grasp just how fucking awful it is. 

It's not her fault and you know it, but you're so furious you've just got to talk to  _someone_ about it, which is how you end up storming into her trailer with your copy of the script. 

"Did you already know?" You're seething as you throw the script onto her counter. "Did you already know that Root was going to die?"

She blinks, startled. "Yes. They told me right before NYCC." 

"And what - you didn't think it was disgusting or cruel or unconscionable in the slightest?"

"No," she answers, much more clipped and curt now, evidently put off by your confrontational demeanour. "I think it's a good twist. And I think it's in-character, that - "

"Oh, yeah, I'm fucking sure it is! It's  _definitely_ in-character for the lesbian to get killed, Amy, that's a pretty solid trait all the lesbians on TV seem to share!"

Amy looks affronted. "Sarah, Root isn't just gay - she's a lot of other things; smart and resourceful and determined. Don't you think you're reducing her to her sexuality a bit?" 

You can barely see straight, but you just manage to take a deep breath and put it all in some kind of context. Of course Amy wouldn't really understand. She's never been an icon and a symbol for the gay community. She's never had people come up to her at cons in tears telling her how much her portrayal of a gay character resonated with them and gave them hope and strength and inspiration. She's never listened to young girls talk about how they cried alone for twenty minutes in their rooms after seeing yet another lesbian die on screen because it was like a part of them died as well. Amy, you realise, has never actually  _seen_ how the casual, lazily-written death for Root might have widespread, deeply traumatic effects on on people - real people who have grown to adore her and identify with her. 

And maybe it's not really your place to do so - you're straight, or at least you think you are, and this isn't your experience to tell - but you try to explain anyway, because Amy has to understand that it's so much more than just a death. It's not easy. In fact it basically degenerates into the first big fight both of you have ever had. You walk away from it knowing you're right, but that doesn't change the fact that you seriously feel like shit. 

Fighting with Amy isn't nice at all - it lingers, a discomfort that roils deep within your chest. You don't like it. But she has to know. 

You don't talk about it after that. She ends filming earliest, obviously - you're not there for the scene, thankfully - and your goodbye is tense and awkward. You get the feeling that both of you want to say more to each other, but just can't find the words. 

"Keep in touch?" She tries, and you nod stiffly, hands shoved deep in your pockets and your eyes firmly planted on the floor. 

With that, she leaves and walks out of your life. 

 

 

You don't expect them to, but it turns out that your impassioned words must have made some impact on Amy, because two months after filming ends, the Trevor Project announces that she's their 'face for the people' - and she turns up at NYC's Pride, and speaks frankly about issues pertaining the LGBT+ community on her Twitter. It's a start.

You never say anything in response, but you're admittedly pretty proud of her. You're glad she's learning, and so are her fans, it looks like it. It's important to you that Amy gets it. You know how a strong, well-loved lesbian character can have a huge impact on people, especially young girls, and you think it's only fair to all these girls seeking affirmation and representation that the actress behind the character lifts them up too. 

You don't stop to consider what it means to  _you_ personally - you're straight, aren't you? 

Aren't you? 

 

 

Drew isn't picked up. Netflix comes to you with another offer - an original, of sorts, in the form of a POI spinoff where Root's defiantly resurrected. She and Shaw and Fusco are the 'next generation', the only ones left standing in a post-apocalyptic New York where Samaritan won the AI war. 

It takes you all of two seconds to get on board. 

 

 

Even before filming begins, there's a social media frenzy. Kevin and Amy take to Twitter to display their excitement while Michael expresses felicitations. The fans are downright thrilled that the injustice will be undone. You thank them for their support and tell them how happy you are to be playing Shaw again, and at the back of your mind, you think -  _Amy._ You're going to be working together again. You ended on a bad note, both of you, and now that the cause of tension between you two has been resolved, you just want to talk to her again. 

You count the days. 

 

 

The first day of filming is intense. You're all running on a pretty tight timeline, and the minute you step on set the action is a go. It's incredibly easy to fall back into the old dynamics, the old patterns, and you realise just how much you missed this. 

You manage to shoot five scenes before lunch, during which you grab your food and sit down and just ease up. You're unsurprised when Amy takes the seat beside you and shoots you a half-smile. "Hey."

"Hey." It sounds inadequate, after not meeting each other for this long, but somehow it's all you can manage. To her credit, Amy just gets straight to the point. "Remember the last time we met? When you were telling me about the effects Root's death would have on the gay community and how awful it was?"

You incline your head. "Yes."

"I get it now," she says, deceptively casual, but when you look at her, her eyes are sad, and she's holding a wistful sort of faraway glance. "I mean... I get it. I really do. I'm sorry for what I said then. I was wrong."

And this you know, but is it just your imagination or is there something more in what she's saying? 

You finally settle on something safe. "That's good, Amy. Let's get out there and give the fans something to hold on to, huh?" 

Amy looks down at her food and goes quiet. "Yeah. Let's do that."

 

 

Filming with Kevin again is nice, but filming with Amy...

You could blame it on her revelation and everything, but you start noticing things. It's not like you're unobservant - Amy's gorgeous and  _anyone_ could tell - but it starts taking on a new dimension. Her laugh sounds sweeter and when she touches you, brief and gentle, it makes you shiver. And it doesn't even seem foreign, or scary, and you find yourself re-evaluating your past. Has this - whatever  _this_ is - always been simmering under the surface? Have you just never acknowledged it?

Maybe - just maybe - you think you could love her, and that calls into question absolutely everything. 

 

 

On-screen, Netflix gives the fans the real, proper Shoot kiss they've always deserved. This time neither of them are in mortal danger and it's no simulation cop-out - they're just together, and Root's in love, and Shaw loves her back in whatever ways she can. 

It's not like you two haven't kissed before, but this time it's different, and you can't put your finger on why. Amy's moaning, gasping, pushing you down into the couch, her hands so close to yours, and it's over far too soon. It's a good take and you're strangely disappointed that you only get to do it once. 

This is...

a problem. 

 

 

You're falling in love. 

Amy makes you laugh and the world seems brighter with her in it and you're falling in love. 

It's going to screw you over. 

 

 

Netflix promotes the hell out of what they're calling Return to Zero, so the three of you end up at SDCC with two hundred audience members at the panel. You guys hype it up, the plot, the action, tease the twist, and Amy probably revolutionises the screen by promising a happy ending for Root and Shaw - and for once, it's true, it's real. The floor is opened for questions - you get a lot of pretty good ones that you all enjoy answering, and then four questions in one person stands and addresses her question to you. You gesture at her to continue. She looks you right in the face, no hesitation, and asks:

"Are you straight?"

There's a muted hiss of horror and the fans around her are glaring in shock and disapproval, and the moderator is talking into her mic. "Sarah, you don't have to answer that - "

But you're already reaching for a mic, feeling strangely calm. Somehow it's as if you're in a dream, floating in nothingness. You think of Amy, the profound impact she's made on your life and how damn important it was to you that she understood the gay community and, and, and - 

Your own voice shakes you out of your reverie. You answer simply. "I don't know." 

There's dead silence in the auditorium as everyone processes what you've just said and what it means, and you realise belatedly that it's the truth. You don't know, not really, not any more. 

 

 

There's an hour's break before you're all due to sign merch and things. Amy finds you by the vending machines, catches you by the sleeve with a strange expression on her face. "You're not straight?"

You crack a smile to lighten the mood. "What, are the fans going nuts out there? I bet AfterEllen's already written a thinkpiece."

"Sarah." She stresses your name, and she looks so serious you shut up. "I'm not kidding, okay? You're gay?"

You take a moment to really contemplate it, trying other labels on for size and decide 'bisexual' fits better. "I think I might be bi. But no, not straight. I thought I was, but... certain events lately have made me reconsider."

You don't mention her name. And it turns out you don't need to - her face just crumples and she stares at you, open and earnest with a hint of desperation. "Sarah, you..." Amy takes a breath, seemingly considering her choice of words. "You make me want to... be... better." It's halting and she looks distinctly uncomfortable, but you think you might recognise that discomfort for what it is - a grown woman reconsidering for the very first time in her life that she might not just like men. You've known it for yourself, after all. 

She says: _you make me want to be better._

You hear: _I think I might love you back._

So you turn it on her - "I thought  _you_ were straight." 

She gives you this wide, knowing smile. "Certain events lately have made me reconsider."

God, this smartass. She's definitely going to screw you over - and you'd let her, any day.

And maybe, just maybe, you've been waiting all this time - you just never knew it. It's just this little voice in your head that whispers  _finally,_ that whispers  _you,_ that whispers  _this is the face I want to wake up to for the rest of my life._

She kisses you. She backs you up against the wall and her hands are everywhere - she tastes like cinnamon and mint and hope. It gets so heated and desperate you have to push her back, just the slightest, and meet her gaze. "Slow down," you murmur. "I'm not going anywhere." 

Amy nods, and the following kiss is gentler but no less charged. She's loud, breathy and enthusiastic, god she works fast - her hands are halfway past the waistband of your jeans when you shove her off you with a smirk and touch her lips with one finger. "Amy Louise Acker, I think I might love you, but the first time we have sex is absolutely not going to be beside a vending machine in some secluded corridor at San Diego Comic Con half an hour before we have to go and sign autographs." 

She pouts, but you can see the amusement in her sparkling eyes. "You're no fun."

"Oh, you'll see how fun I can be later."

Amy rolls her eyes, but tempers the action by putting her hands on your hips and resting her forehead against yours. "Is that a promise?" 

"Yeah," you answer, soft and sure, meaning so much more than she thinks. "I promise." 

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i wrote this entire thing on mobile. truly an experience. forgive typos, etc - will refine this as necessary once i get to my laptop. 
> 
> i don't own person of interest or cbs or warner, etc. i don't know any of the cast personally. i don't profit from this fic; it's just for fun. this fic isn't meant to be in character or to represent anything happening in real life or whatever. no insinuations or disrespect meant towards any of the cast or their families or their respective spouses et al. probably really incorrect wrt all the technical bits bc i haven't had much prior experience in the film industry. aka everything i've written in this fic is FICTIONAL. for ENJOYMENT.
> 
> please for the love of god DON'T come to the comments section going off about how rpf is Disrespectful and Gross and Wrong and Weird - which seems to be a trend on shacker fics - unless you intend to comment the exact same thing on every single phan and one direction and hockey fic that exists on this site as well. it's just annoying.


End file.
